March Newsletter - The Difference Between a Favor and Assistance

Why How We Help Matters More Than We Realize

I was reflecting the other day after I asked my husband to do me a favor.

It struck me that I rarely ask for “favors” at work especially from my team, but I sometimes use that language with suppliers when I’m trying to support a client. That realization made me pause.

Growing up in a family of ten kids, “as you pass go” didn’t mean collect $200.00 it meant grab a cup of tea for someone or bring a plate for your brother. Help was constant, casual, and expected. No one kept score but everyone contributed.

It made me realize something important:  We often say yes to helping without stopping to ask how we’re helping or what that help communicates.

“Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure, no problem.”

On the surface, a favor and assistance look the same. Both involve helping. Both usually come from good intentions.

But the impact they leave behind can be very different.

In leadership, relationships, and workplace culture that difference matters.

What a Favor Really Is

A favor is informal. It’s often spontaneous and personal.  And it usually carries an unspoken layer of obligation.

Favors tend to sound like:

• “I’ll just do it this time.”
• “Don’t worry about it — I’ve got it.”
• “You owe me one.”

Favors can be generous but they’re often unclear. Over time, they can quietly create imbalance, dependency, or even resentment especially when favors become expected instead of optional.

A simple example:
Sally asks John, “Since you’re heading to the kitchen, can you do me a favor and grab me a coffee two creams, three sugars?”

What sounds small becomes multiple steps and extra time. Meanwhile, Sally’s real need was help with a project question. The favor created effort but didn’t address the true priority.

What Assistance Does Differently

Assistance is intentional. It’s clear. It’s respectful.

Assistance sounds like:

• “Here’s how I can support you.”
• “What would be most helpful right now?”
• “Let’s decide this together.”
• “This is part of our process.”

Unlike favors, assistance doesn’t create quiet debt.
It creates trust.

Portia in Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice:
“How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.”

Even small, thoughtful acts of support when offered with clarity and care can travel farther than we expect.

At work, assistance supports autonomy and accountability.  In relationships, it preserves dignity and mutual respect.

Why This Matters in Leadership

Leaders who rely heavily on favors often carry more than they should. They become the fixer, the rescuer, the go-to for everything.

Leaders who help build systems instead of dependence.  They empower rather than rescue.

The shift is subtle but powerful:

• Favors say: “I’ll take this on for you.”
• Assistance says: “Let’s solve this together.”

At Home, the Same Rule Applies

In families and partnerships, favors can quietly turn into scorekeeping.

“I did this for you…”
“Remember when I helped with…”

Over time, that creates tension.

Assistance opens the door to:

• Clear expectations
• Shared responsibility
• Mutual support
• Fewer unspoken assumptions

It replaces keeping track with working together.

Questions Worth Considering

• Where might you be offering favors when assistance would serve better?
• Where are you accepting favors instead of asking for structured support?
• What conversation could benefit from clearer expectations?
• Are you asking for too many favors and offering too little?

The next time someone asks for help, pause before saying yes.

Try responding with:

• “Here’s how I can help.”
• “What support would be most useful right now?”
• “Let’s look at this together.”

Notice how the tone shifts.
Notice how responsibility becomes shared.
Notice how relationships feel lighter.

Sometimes the most generous thing we can offer isn’t a favor it’s thoughtful assistance.

Food for Thought

Social psychologist Robert Cialdini shows that when we help others in intentional and structured ways, it strengthens cooperation and increases the likelihood of future support. Even Abraham Lincoln observed that doing a good turn for someone often builds a bridge of goodwill that returns in unexpected ways.

When help is thoughtful, clear, and respectful everyone stands taller.